The Darkness Required to See the Stars
by Liam Needsom
Summary: Lee learns the trick is not to fear the dark but to find the light.
1. Dark Matter

Author's Note: Here Be Dragons.

This story contains elements some of you may be uncomfortable with. I ask only that you read it with an open mind and heart. This is not intended to be shocking, just a view of events seen from a slightly different angle that may change your perception of how certain things happened.

All characters remain the property of their original creators. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 **The Darkness Required to See the Stars**

 **Chapter One - Dark Matter**

It was the scream of the animal somewhere in the woods that was the last straw. Even with a full moon, the forest canopy was enough to block almost all the light and he could barely see his hand in front of his face. Combined with the smell of standing water and rot, the feeling of being wet and cold and exhausted and hunted – it was all coming back to him in a rush. He closed his eyes and swallowed, trying to overcome that fast beating panic that felt like it was blocking his throat, trying to breathe in and out past that tight feeling, desperately reaching for those techniques he'd retaught himself in the darkness all those years ago. He was sitting on the rocky ground now, hands on his knees, trying not to flashback to those dark hours in his past – and aware that the only thing keeping him from tumbling off this tightrope is that this time he wasn't alone.

 _Not alone._ He would never admit to anyone that the only thing keeping him sane right now was that he was _not alone_. After all, anyone who knew him knew he _always_ worked better alone, that he'd been practiced at it since childhood – don't rely on anyone because people _leave._ Alone was such a natural state for him that he hadn't had the words to describe the opposite. It had confused Andy that he had no reference points for the concepts of _home_ or _family_ or even – almost - _friends_.

"Look," he'd tried to explain, trying to get that look of bemused concern off his partner's face. "You can't miss what you never had." It was true – he'd never had a home he could remember, only a series of bachelor quarters on bases; he hadn't had a family, he'd just had Uncle Robert. It was only in the last few months that he'd finally been able to understand his uncle had cared about him but been unable to show it.

 _That_ had been quite the late-night talk not that many months ago. Sitting in his apartment with his uncle, both of them nursing a nightcap, more relaxed than they'd ever been alone in each other's company. They'd dropped Amanda back at her car after dinner, his uncle not at all happy about the fact that Lee had not driven her home, even after they both tried to explain it. It had been Amanda, of course, who had finally just told them to follow her home. He'd raised an eyebrow at her, surprised that she'd suggested it but as usual, she'd been the one to see that it would keep an argument from bubbling over later with his uncle.

"Colonel, it's fine. We've always done it this way. He can't walk me to the door without leaving me stuck with a million questions from my mother. He doesn't like it either but it's not his fault I won't let him."

He should have been surprised that she knew he always shadowed her home but somehow he wasn't. He'd long since ceased to be surprised at the things she'd figured out about him.

He was also _not_ surprised that his uncle had approved of Amanda. That had become very clear over the tumblers of scotch as his uncle asked more questions about her and he'd allowed himself to tell a few of the funnier stories that didn't involve too much classified information.

"She reminds me of your mother. You could do a lot worse if you were inclined to actually pursue it."

"Don't even start, Colonel. Don't pretend you're still buying into the girlfriend cover after spending all that time with her the last few days. Amanda and I are _just_ _friends_ ," he'd said firmly. "She only ever agreed to come along in the first place because I knew you'd disapprove of any of the girls I usually date and she wanted to help me out."

His uncle had looked at him searchingly. "That's true – she's nothing like the _girls_ you normally date." Normally, Lee would have looked past the emphasis on that word as his uncle's usual sneering at his choice of girlfriends, but there was something this time that had set the hair on the back of his neck tingling. He'd said nothing, choosing to stare into his glass of scotch instead.

Finally his uncle had sighed. "You know who else she reminds me of? Andy. She brings out the best in you the way he did." That had gotten Lee's attention and he hadn't been able to stop himself from looking up to meet his uncle's gaze. His uncle had held his eyes for a moment, then looked down into his own glass before adding gruffly, "I'm sorry I couldn't get here for the funeral."

Lee tried to shrug as if it didn't matter. "I wouldn't have expected you to."

"You _should_ have expected me to, Skip – I know he was… your family. I guess that's why Amanda reminds me of him – you look after each other like family."

There was a long pause as both men fell silent again before his uncle had suddenly leaned forward to put his glass on the table and looked straight at him. "Skip… Lee… Don't screw up your life like I did mine." He'd held up a hand at Lee's expression. "No, I don't mean when you were with me – I mean before that. I was a loner my whole life before you came along. Matt tried his best, but I _never_ let anyone in. I signed up for the Air Force on my eighteenth birthday, Pearl Harbor happened four months later and I never looked back. It probably broke my mother's heart when I stayed in after the war, but I lost so many friends in those years, it had made me hard. She wouldn't have wanted me around anyway – I was drinking too much and I was angry all the damn time. I came out of those years more convinced than ever that the best way to survive was not to care about anything." He picked up his glass again, swirled it absentmindedly and then put it back down on the table. "It was Barney that hauled me out of one too many bars and told me to shape up or he'd shoot me himself. He was convincing enough that I stopped drinking completely for a long time."

"Thank God for Barney," Lee remarked.

"Yeah, thank God for Barney. If he hadn't been around when you came along, I don't know what I would have done. He tried, you know – he really did try to show me how to deal with you like a child instead of a recruit but I'd been alone for so long by then, I didn't have a clue. You were angry and frightened and stubborn – I should have recognized myself in you but I just fell back on being like my father and I figured if you were alive at the end of every day, I was doing an adequate job."

"As I recall, I almost defeated you there a few times," joked Lee, trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh God, you sure did," agreed his uncle with a faint smile. "And every time you ended up in the emergency room, it was Barney you wanted – he was better at being mother and father to you than I ever was and I just let him because it was easier than to let you in, even a little bit."

Lee stared at him, taken aback by the sudden confession when a thought occurred to him and he blurted out without thinking, "You and Barney weren't, uh…"

For the first time, his uncle really laughed. "What? Lovers? No – I just never found the right woman who'd put up with a crank like me. There were people that mistook our friendship for something else, but it worked out well enough – no one was willing to out him when they thought he was involved with an officer and it gave me an excuse to be the cranky bastard they all thought I was anyway."

"So you knew he was gay and you still let him around me? You weren't worried he'd… corrupt me or something?"

Uncle Robert had picked up his glass again by this time and was leaning back on the sofa cushion, resting the tumbler on his chest, grinning at him. "Skip, I've been around nothing but almost all men in the Air Force for 44 years and I've seen it all. Do you seriously believe I think it's contagious?" He glanced at his watch. "Look at the time! I have to be at the Pentagon first thing and then I'm leaving straight from National after my meetings, so I'm hitting the hay. Are you sure you're going to be okay on the couch? I really don't mind – I've slept in worse places, you know." He looked up at Lee who was staring at him in confusion at the sudden change of topic and chuckled. Then, as he crossed the floor on his way to the bedroom, he paused and rested a hand on Lee's shoulder.

"I know you never listen to me, but give it a try this time. I'm a natural loner but you're not. Don't be like I was, Lee. Don't let life harden you into keeping people at arm's length in case it hurts. I had to learn it the hard way - you don't protect yourself by shutting people out, you protect yourself by letting them in and letting them help you. Life's long and it's better if you're not alone."

 _Not alone_. It hadn't really seeped in at the time, but the months following had hammered home the message. Amanda had been targeted by his enemies, she'd wandered unknowingly into the line of fire, hell, she'd even been declared dead once and she'd maintained that easy-going façade, greeting every situation with apparently unwavering faith in their ability to fix them together, a steady belief in their friendship – right up until the Brackin case had hit and that had almost been the end of them. He hadn't appreciated her strength until he'd pushed her away and she'd pushed back harder. He still woke up in a cold sweat some nights reliving that moment where a horrifying combination of booze and adrenaline had literally sent her reeling from him, genuine fear in her eyes.

The worst part – the part he could hardly bear to admit even now in the dark hours - was the anger that had been behind it. Despite his uncle's advice, he'd been doing a bang-up job of not letting her in and telling himself he didn't _care_ and when that opportunity had presented itself, to let her really have it and get her _to leave him the hell alone the way he wanted,_ he'd let that anger take over for just one second too long. She'd forgiven him, but she hadn't forgotten; she'd been warier around him, a little less open, a little less friendly – a lot less Amanda. The silences had become awkward and when she'd leapt at the chance of a new job, he'd known it was his fault. She might claim it was the money, but he'd been certain that she was just uncomfortable around him and he'd screwed it up by not doing anything to stop her from leaving.

When the new job had gone so wrong, and she'd come back, to his intense relief, it had still taken weeks to get back on the old footing. She'd looked so panic-stricken at his suggestion that he move onto her street to shadow that chemist that he'd wondered if it was the beginning of the end and had thrown himself into trying to fix it. His uncle had been right – life was a little worse when you were alone and he knew he was perilously close to using up the nine lives of her loyalty. So he'd taken to asking her along on things like stakeouts – little jobs he'd always done alone and because she was Amanda, she'd made it easy for him, not questioning why the sudden turnaround in attitude, just accepting that he was trying to make it better in his own way. They rubbed along somewhat uneasily and then finally, there'd been that night on surveillance when she'd told him about her brother's death and he'd realized for the first time how well she understood him, that she had always understood him and his self-imposed solitude. He'd spent years building up barriers and she had simply brushed them away like so many cobwebs. That night had been a Rubicon for them - a night he'd thought had revealed all the unspoken secrets – until he'd met Leslie O'Connor and found out that Amanda had her own secrets. He knew that that was his fault too – when he'd blown up at her with misdirected anger in Munich, she'd learned to be silent and wary _like him_ – with just one more thing she couldn't share with anyone and without him knowing, it had been poisoning their friendship for months.

It was better now though, he thought, now that he knew and was conscious of not triggering that flight reflex, a reflex that he finally understood was not entirely his fault. He just hadn't been able to figure out a way to get her to confide in him yet – he knew he couldn't blurt out that he knew – she had to be willing to tell him herself, but she was still keeping that wound concealed and it hadn't healed. He'd known that the moment he'd seen her flinch at the joke about Alan Chamberlain giving her a hickey, but little by little he'd been rebuilding that ground with evenings at the opera and dinners with a no-shop-talk rule - and especially by making sure she wasn't assigned to any mission without him. He complained long and loud in Francine's hearing about being sent out on this rookie job looking for Peter Sacker but other than teasing her about her overzealous approach, he hadn't been able to imagine a better way to spend a day than a relaxed trip to the country with Amanda.

 _Relaxed_ – that was a laugh. It was a mission that had started badly and gotten steadily worse. For the first time in a long time, Amanda had sounded really frightened, sitting in that cage in Sacker's compound, rocking back and forth, refusing to look at him. He'd understood that fear – they'd never run into a sociopath of this level before. Lee was certain that the only reason they hadn't been shot immediately was because the documentary cover story had appealed to Sacker's intense narcissism – but he couldn't tell her that. Instead he'd distracted her with bravado and escape plans and when one had actually worked, the adrenaline had taken over and she'd reacted like an agent – obeying orders, calling for help, no questions, just faith in him.

And where had it gotten her? They'd been running for what seemed like days although it wasn't really more than a few hours, not speaking because they'd needed the breath to run, the weight of the shackles dragging on their arms until it was almost unbearable, only the occasional whimper from Amanda letting him know that she needed to stop and rest because she wouldn't say it out loud.

Even when they'd stopped to rest, he hadn't let go of her hand which was crazy – they were chained together for crying out loud, it's not like he could lose her or leave her behind, but the guilt had been eating away at him all day, pounding through his brain with the rhythm of their pounding feet. What if she'd come up here alone on this 'rookie' mission? What if Sacker had had her shot on sight? What would the Agency have told her family? Would they ever even have found her body back in these woods? His grip tightened on her hand without thinking and this time the whimper wasn't exhaustion but pain, although she didn't pull away.

She'd been right about heading for the swamp for the night – it had kept Sacker's men from following them except on foot, and as long as they'd been moving it had been fine – just another obstacle to overcome but finally even he had had to give in to exhaustion and cold and they'd dropped to the ground. He'd heard something years ago about how sharks have to keep moving or they die and there, in the dark with no food or water or plan except to stay alive a while longer, he'd felt like that dying shark. The memories of the catacombs had rushed back at him, and he was too exhausted to fight them off. Amanda didn't appear to notice his silence as she moved around him in the darkness, collecting fire fuel, probably too tired herself to do anything except address the task at hand.

He thought he was doing a pretty good job at holding himself together and then there'd been that scream of the animal somewhere in the woods that had sent him over the edge. The rats had made a noise exactly like that when they'd turned on each other in the darkness, fighting for food. Somehow, it hadn't occurred to him until now that there might be something _alive_ in the woods, and all his phobias, so carefully walled in for years had exploded through him like a burst dam.

 _Don't panic. Just breathe. You're not alone. I won't leave you alone. Not alone._ _Not_ _alone._

He heard the scratch of a match against rock and saw the flash of welcome light through his eyelids. He felt the relief flow through him almost like warmth. _Not dark. Not alone_.

"Aha!" Her soft voice was infused with satisfaction. "One match!"

"Yeah" he murmured encouragingly, pleased that he managed to make his voice sound almost normal. "You're a pretty good scout".

She smiled a bit at his praise, seeing the humor in it after his earlier skepticism about her survival kit and those Trailblazer maps. "Well, it's not quite a blizzard at midnight but it's sure cold enough to feel like it."

"Blizzard at midnight?" He'd been confused by that for a minute until the guilty expression had crossed her face and he'd realized, with a groan of disbelief. "God damn it, Harry."

"He was having a heck of a time convincing me to spy on you. I think he would have said anything right then to get me to go along with it," Amanda had said with embarrassment. She reached for some twigs to add to the fire.

It had taken all his strength not to let her, as desperate as he was for the warmth and light to increase. "Wait a minute – don't make the fire any bigger. They've probably given up for the night but we shouldn't take any chances."

She'd stared longingly at the tiny source of heat for a moment before acknowledging he was right and leaning back against the rock, shivering, a troubled expression on her face even in profile. Her nearness was keeping him calm, but he could feel the panic fluttering at the edges of the darkness and although he knew it sounded like some kind of terrible freshman move, he'd suggested she get closer so they could share body heat. They'd been quiet for a moment and then there'd been another one of those screams in the woods and he'd flinched and Amanda had finally broken the silence and begun one of her rambles. At any other time, he would have found it soothing or amusing, but not this time, not when he could hear the tears so close to the surface.

"I'm scared. I know we've been in some pretty tight places before but this time I'm really scared."

He would have given anything at that moment to be able to think of something reassuring but instead he'd just tightened his grip and begun rambling himself. "I know. I keep thinking of the first time we met at the train station… If I'd have never given you that package you wouldn't be here right now." It turned out to be the right thing to say because she seized on the old argument as a welcome distraction.

"Oh come on!"

"Well, you wouldn't be!"

She'd bickered back and forth with him gently for a while, even making him laugh at her solemn "No guts, no glory" pronouncement and then again when she'd complimented him on always finding the silver lining. He'd stayed silent for a moment, trying to think of just the right Pollyanna zinger to respond with but when she'd sighed just a little bit and sank deeper into his chest, he'd tossed all the jokes aside and simply said "Well, it's no business for a pessimist."

She'd laughed a little bit at that assessment, all too aware of the truth behind it and in the short silence that followed, he thought she was past the worst of the fear. Then, hesitantly at first, she'd begun to talk again and with sinking heart, he realized she was still convinced they'd reached the end of the line. It had gotten very confusing at that point because he'd thought she was headed in a very different direction with that opening "In case we don't make it…" and he'd tried to stop her from saying anything she'd regret later but she'd just talked over him, "I just want you to know that I'm really glad to have known you."

He'd stared at her trying to decide if he was relieved or not that there hadn't been some kind of panic- induced declaration of either love or lust before starting to smile and pulling her in closer. _She doesn't want to be alone either._

"Well, the same goes here," he'd said lamely and felt her laugh softly against his chest at how grudging it sounded. "In fact, to tell you the truth, I've learned a lot from you the last few years."

"Really? I always thought I was pretty much a burden."

Great. Even now she wasn't going to let him wiggle off the hook with any kind of dignity. He couldn't see her face but he could feel her shaking slightly with the laughter she was holding in as he hemmed and hawed out another lame comment.

"You taught me a lot about other people and uh, myself and you know, stuff they don't teach at the Agency."

"Well, that's very nice of you to say."

There. He was off the hook.

When he tried to figure it out later, he'd never been able to quite figure out the sequence of events that had led to them suddenly being face to face or what it was in her eyes that had hit him so hard. It was as if she'd looked right into his soul, and seen all the rips and patches on it from past pain. She'd looked away and his heart had lurched at the realization that he was so broken that she couldn't even look at him, but then she'd looked up again and there'd been such trusting acceptance on her face that he'd been mesmerized and found himself leaning in to kiss her, just as she leaned towards him too.

"Over there!" They'd hit the dirt just in time before the bullets had begun to fly.

* * *

 _He was back in the catacombs. He'd staggered in there looking for a place to hide, head throbbing from the open gash. In the pitch darkness, he'd lost track of time, he'd lost all sense of direction and he'd been so cold for so long that he'd lost all feeling in his feet and hands. Eyes open, eyes closed, it made no difference in the inky blackness and there were times where he honestly didn't know if he was awake or asleep. No, that was wrong - he knew when he was asleep because in his dreams there was light and color and warmth and ... someone - he was losing his mind with the sensory deprivation._

 _He could feel the rats in the darkness. They'd been getting bolder as he'd been getting weaker and he knew it was only a matter of time before they overwhelmed him. He could feel them now, running across his chest, around his scalp, digging inside his clothes as if they were burrowing, looking for somewhere exposed they could begin their attack. He'd always thought those stories of a bright light before you die were nonsense but now he knew it was true. He was blinded by it, it was painful even through closed eyes after so many days in complete darkness and for a brief second, he lay there, suddenly relaxed and accepting of the idea that this was the end. He was going to die here alone in the dark and then he was going to go into that light and look for his parents. He could hear his father already, calling his name over and over again. He couldn't hear his mother, but he knew she'd be there too, waiting for him. But then something had touched his face and some primeval survival instinct had kicked in and he'd sat up screaming and flailing._

" _Leave me alone!"_

 _The bright light had vanished instantly but the voice was still there._

" _Lee! Lee! Stop! STOP! I'm here, I've got you!" Arms had wrapped around him, holding him close and rocking him back and forth like he was a small child. His heart had been pounding so hard in his chest that it actually hurt and it had taken him several seconds to realize that the light hadn't vanished – the flashlight that had been its source was now lying on the ground, feebly lighting up the far wall. The warm crooning was still murmuring against his hair. "I've got you, Cowboy, it's ok."_

" _Andy?" He was almost ashamed how long it had taken him to figure out who it was that was holding him and he began to sob with relief at the way the arms tightened around him. "Oh God, it's really you."_

" _Of course it's me. Did you think I wouldn't come for you?" He felt the arms around him loosen and groaned at the loss until he felt Andy's hand come up to his face and begin wiping the tears away, then he'd felt warm lips press against his forehead, his cheek, and finally against his own lips too briefly before he was pulled back into an enveloping embrace. "I just had to find you first, that's all and you might think you're good at hide and seek but I'm better. You can't get rid of me that easily, Stetson."_

" _I couldn't find the way out. It was dark. I was alone..." Lee could barely speak through the tightness in his throat, suddenly aware of how dry his mouth was. Andy must have been able to hear it in his voice because suddenly a cold flask was placed against his lips and he was gulping at the clear, sweet water, spluttering as some of it went down the wrong way._

" _Slow down, Honey. We don't want to save you from here just to have you drown before you can get out."_

 _The low laugh in his partner's voice centred him and he stopped drinking long enough to turn and bury his face against Andy's chest._

" _You're not alone now. I've got you. Just breathe." The soothing voice kept repeating the words until his breathing slowed._

" _How long have I been here?" he whispered hoarsely._

" _Almost five days we think," answered Andy, fingers stroking through his hair in a calming motion. "You disappeared from the embassy party on Saturday night and it's almost Thursday now." His voice was too careful and tight and Lee knew the long days had taken its toll on him too._

" _How did you find me?" He didn't really care – he just wanted him to keep talking._

" _Oh, you know, spy stuff – asking around, bribing the right people, punching the wrong people – all the usual things. We finally found a market seller who'd seen you run into the temple that night but not come out. Once we figured out there were old catacombs down here, it was just a matter of searching until we found you."_

" _You keep saying 'we'," Lee muttered._

" _Emily's here too – she's gone to get help."_

" _I'm so cold. Can't we leave?"_

" _We can try. Do you think you can walk with me? C'mon, giddyup Cowboy." He'd pulled away slightly to get up and Lee had clutched at him frantically._

" _No! Don't leave me alone!"_

" _Of course I won't leave you alone; I love you." But Andy had kept moving away and now it was getting dark again and now he was grasping at air, heart breaking again._

His eyes had popped open and he'd stared out into the starlit darkness, unable to think for a beat where he was. Finally he'd become aware of the slight body burrowed against his chest and he'd gasped with relief, still halfway between the dream and waking. He must have been loud because there'd been a pause and then sleepy eyes had looked up and met his wide panicky ones.

"Lee? Is something wrong?" Amanda was struggling to wake up now, obviously thinking that Sacker's men must have found them.

"No, it's fine - I was just having a dream and for a split second when I woke up, I thought you were gone." Lee pulled her in closer, hoping she couldn't notice how fast his heart was pounding.

Amanda chuckled sleepily at him. "Well, I'm hardly likely to wander off into the swamp and leave you alone am I? Even if I wanted to." She held up her manacled hand and patted his cheek before snuggling back against him. Her voice was muffled now but he could still hear her clearly. "I won't leave you alone. You can't get rid of me that easily, Stetson."

His heart stopped at her words then slowly began again, beating to the rhythm of the thought he kept repeating silently. _Not alone. Not alone. Not alone_.

* * *

He'd woken her before sunrise so they could try to circle out of the swamp past the men who were supposed to be watching for them. When they'd successfully slipped past the sleeping lookouts, they'd headed across the meadows through the dawn twilight. It wasn't until the sun had come up and they were back in the cover of the woods that they'd stopped to rest, near a creek, lying face down on the bank, scooping water into their parched mouths.

Amanda had eventually rolled onto her side, head resting on her arm, eyes closed. He didn't like how pale she looked and counted back trying to figure out how many hours it has been since she'd eaten. She barely had an ounce of extra flesh on her – he knew it was only a matter of time before her supply of sheer will ran out and they'd better have found a way out of this by then.

Focusing on her face, he realized for the first time that he could see the streaks of tear stains through the grime. When had those happened? They'd been together for the last eighteen hours and she'd never cried, had she? It took him almost too long to figure it out - that she'd waited for him to fall asleep before giving in to them. "Tears frighten you more than bullets," she'd once told him and so even now, after everything they'd been through, she still chose to hide them from him, crying in the night because she wasn't sure they'd survive. How had it not woken him up? What had happened to her in her past that made her able to cry silently? He realized she'd never mentioned the boys once in the last day – she had to have been terrified she wasn't going to see them again but she hadn't added that burden to his guilt. She'd known that they were either both going to survive or neither of them, so there was no point in trying to think of last words to pass onto them – she'd saved those for him.

 _If we don't make it, I want you to know I'm really glad to have known you._

It hadn't been some aborted declaration of love – it had been a last blessing of forgiveness because she knew him well enough to know he'd never forgive himself.

 _I will get you out of this, Amanda. If I have to carry you_ _over the Blue Ridge Mountains, I will get you out of this_ he vowed silently.

Almost as if she'd heard him, her beautiful almond-shaped eyes had opened and she'd stared straight into his. There was a beat and then she'd sat up and chuckled and said "Still here, Scarecrow? I thought you'd have figured out a way to ditch the old ball and chain by now."

His heart had lightened with her smile. Whatever horrors the dark night had brought her were being defeated by her natural optimism in the daylight.

"Nah, I won't leave you alone. You can't get rid of me that easily."

He fished out a handkerchief, wet it in the creek and wiped his own face before rinsing it off and then reaching over to carefully erase the evidence of the tears from her cheeks. She looked up at him, silently, waiting until he was done to ask, "So am I ready for my close-up now, Mr. De Mille?"

"You were never lovelier," he answered honestly. He stood up and put out his hand. "Ready to go?"

She got to her feet and tucked her hand trustingly into his. "Yeah. C'mon, giddyup Cowboy."

 _Giddyup Cowboy. I won't leave you alone. I love you_

"Amanda?" _Walk with me._

"Mmmm?"

 _I love you_. "We should head north."


	2. Dawning Realization

**Chapter 2 - Dawning Realilzation**

 _Not exactly_

Amanda hadn't been certain what she'd been thinking when she'd shot those two words back at Lee when he started his usual post-mission just-friends spiel. It wasn't like he was going to suddenly see her in some new light like Cinderella in her ball gown, was it? She might love him but she had absolutely no expectation that it was reciprocated. It was just that she was tired and dirty and honestly, just completely fed up with him and that increasingly tiresome speech where he assumed she was some starry-eyed steno pool girl who was going to expect him to fall madly in love with her just because they'd spent the night in each other's arms.

She knew he cared about her – she'd never doubted that, not even in their darkest moments but why couldn't he just accept the fact that she knew it was never going to be anything more than that and stop with the Fortress of Solitude nonsense?

It _had_ been unfortunate that Francine had been standing nearby when the medic had asked about the marks on their wrists and Amanda had answered honestly without thinking.

"Shackles?" Francine had started to laugh. "What? The two of you were shackled up on the run like an old chain gang movie? That must have been cozy."

Amanda knew the crack hid the relief on Francine's part that they were safe, but she had still flushed and started to answer her before Lee's voice had cut like ice across the conversation.

"You can quit those jokes right now, Francine." He'd sounded angry enough that both women had looked at him with startled expressions. "Of course we weren't. I wouldn't be much of an agent if I couldn't pick a simple lock, would I? They had us chained, we escaped, I picked the lock, we kept running. End of story." He'd leaned closer to the blonde and dropped his voice. "The last thing we need is that kind of stupid rumour circulating around the office, okay? It's bad enough we've spent the last day being hunted like animals without you turning it into some sort of hilarious sex farce for the amusement of the bullpen!"

Francine stared into his dark stormy eyes for a moment, then down at the tell-tale marks on his wrist that told the true story of how long they'd been manacled together, before taking a step back nervously and saying "Okay, I get it. Not funny." She'd glanced apologetically at Amanda before adding "I guess it's a reflex to make jokes, I'm sorry."

"It's ok," Amanda had smiled softly at her. "We're both just really tired and it's too early to see the humor in it yet."

Lee had stepped back and sat down beside Amanda on the ambulance seat, never leaving her side until they were back at the Agency. He'd briefed Billy in her hearing, repeating the version of events he'd told Francine and sat back to listen to hers, which was really nothing more than saying she had nothing to add to his. It wasn't until Billy had stood up and told them to go home that his expression had lightened and he'd even smiled when she'd picked up the phone to call home. He'd waited until she'd picked up the picnic basket – still full of all the food they'd never had a chance to eat – and joked with her down the hall, both of them almost giddy with having survived the last day. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer at why he'd insisted on that version of events, she'd stopped and turned to him.

"Lee? About last night…"

She should have phrased it better, she knew that, but even so, after all they'd been through together, she almost hadn't been able to believe it when he'd started up with the old nonsense about it just being something that happened on a mission and from force of habit she'd found herself reciting it along with him, trying to hurry him along to the end so she could ask him properly about why they'd just lied to Billy in a briefing. But then the most extraordinary thing had happened – he'd gotten to the end and he'd looked at her and added, "Right?"

She hadn't understood at first what had happened. It wasn't his usual lecturing tone – she'd stopped to stare at him, head tilted, considering. It had taken another moment to dawn on her – he wanted her to _agree_ with him, he wanted her to say there had been nothing between them, he wanted _her_ to let him off the hook. She'd stared into his eyes, seeing the same light of longing that had been there the night before and in her state of exhaustion, it had suddenly struck her as so funny that he was frightened that she might make him admit he cared, that all thought of their lies flew out of her head and she'd found herself blurting out those two little words.

 _Not exactly_.

His expression had been so priceless – such a mix of confusion and hope - that a surge of euphoria had overcome her and she'd had to turn away before she could kiss it right off his face in the Agency hallway. She was still laughing when she got to her car.

* * *

It seemed like everything had changed after that. She had first noticed it when Francine had flounced past her desk with some kind of muttered comment about going from swamps to mansions like the Beverley Hillbillies, followed a few moments later by a chuckling Lee.

"What have I done now?" she asked, eyes following the blonde as she left the bullpen.

"Not a darn thing," said Lee, "She's mad that Billy wants us to go hang out with high society and she doesn't get to go." He was grinning like a cat that had swallowed the canary.

"High society?" She couldn't help matching his smile. "I'm not getting Victoria Greenwich out of storage, am I?"

"No, no, nothing like that," he answered, the slightest shadow passing over his expression before he perched on the edge of her desk and leaned closer. " _We_ get to go check out a very posh charity auction and all in the name of national security!"

"Ooohhh," she said drawing out the syllable thoughtfully. "And you want me to drive because of what happened the last time we went to a charity auction?"

It hadn't seemed possible that Lee's dimples could get deeper but they definitely did when his grin broadened.

"Nah – there isn't a single cliff between here and the Potomac Community Services Club – we can take mine." He stood up and cocked an elbow at her. "Ready to go?"

She reached up to take his arm with a laugh and let him lead her outside. The next few days had flown by and she couldn't help but notice that it was _almost_ as if they were still tied together – Lee's arm slipped around her waist, or his hand wrapped around hers at every opportunity, thumb absentmindedly rubbing against the fading scars on her wrist. He was rushing to help her out of the car – sometimes so quickly he'd forget the keys in the ignition. When he'd moved behind her when Jill Halsman approached them at the club, she'd thought at first he was just letting her take the lead – until she'd seen the hangdog expression on his face as Jill's talons had gripped "Doctor" Stetson's arm and dragged him away – he'd looked so unusually miserable on the arm of a sexy blonde that she'd had to pretend to be studying the clipboard so she didn't laugh out loud.

When he'd pulled out the wedding rings for their cover, there'd been none of the usual edgy embarrassment to his tone – he'd simply held them up, eyes alight with humor and said "Ready to get shackled again?", chuckling along with her when she'd instantly replied, "Of course! My mother always wanted me to marry a doctor!"

They'd laughed together after leaving the White House too, Lee carefully placing the poisoned bottle in the trunk of the Corvette.

"What a waste of a '45 Chateau Monet", he'd said in a mournful tone as he stared at the bottle, but then he'd looked up and smiled. "Only California wines? Seriously? Can you believe that?"

"Well, what about that California Chardonnay that won all the prizes in Europe a few years back? There are some excellent vintages you're forgetting about."

He hadn't been able to hide his shock when she'd dropped that bit of trivia and she hadn't been able to contain her amusement at his expression. "I did some research for our cover when you said we were playing wine snobs."

He'd shaken his head, laughing at himself ruefully. "I have got to learn not to underestimate you, Amanda King. You're turning into a really good agent, you know that? And you know what else? You should try the Level One Operative test – if you passed that, Billy would have no problem putting you back through Station One – for real this time."

She'd blushed under the compliment, and he'd reached out absently to take her hand.

"Can I buy you a drink before you head home? We've been talking wine all week and haven't really gotten to enjoy any without wearing it." He'd sounded oddly wistful as if he was trying to make the evening last longer and so she'd accepted, wondering if there'd ever be a day when that shadow would leave his eyes.

They'd spent a completely relaxed few hours together, Lee explaining the finer points of wine tasting to her and Amanda explaining why her street currently looked like the set of a prison riot movie. Lee had been so intrigued by her tales of Buck that she hadn't been surprised when he'd shown up to check out the party for himself. What she'd been less certain of was how long he'd been hiding out at Buck's and drinking before getting up the nerve to come knock on her door. He hadn't seemed drunk exactly, but he'd been relaxed and in a bit of a silly mood as if he had a secret he was dying to tell her.

"What's so important you had to come by when you know my mother is here?" she'd asked, trying to look serious, which was difficult in the face of the way he was gently rocking back and forth like a Jack in the Box that had just popped up.

"Ah well, I, uh, I stopped to visit Penny today before she left to go back to school," he'd started to say then stopped with a sudden look of embarrassment as if he wasn't sure he should be telling her something.

"Well, that was nice of you," she'd replied. "Is she doing okay?"

"Um, yeah, she's fine." Another pause and then all in a rush, "She asked me to give you something. From her." The rocking had stopped and he was leaning back on his heels now looking almost nervous.

"Really? That's sweet of her." She'd looked down at his hands which were hanging by his sides. "So did you bring it with you?"

"Uh, yeah." He'd licked his lips nervously and she'd suddenly been certain where this was going.

"Lee?" She'd leaned in trying to catch his suddenly lowered gaze. "What did she ask you to give me?"

His eyes had finally come up to meet hers and she caught her breath, seeing the same look of uncertainty she'd seen the week before.

"A hug and a kiss." The words had come out in a hoarse rush. He hadn't broken eye contact and Amanda had given him an encouraging smile.

"Oh _well,_ "she'd said, "If it's from _Penny…"_ She'd lifted her hands to his chest and moved closer, watching as he'd slowly rocked forward, leaning towards her, eyes wide open as if he couldn't quite believe it was happening.

He'd been right, of course; it hadn't happened. Her mother's interruption and scandalized expression had sent him scurrying back out of the garden with Penny's gift undelivered.

* * *

There'd been no time in the following weeks to see if she could tease him further out into the open. He'd made good on that promise and arranged with Billy for her to do the Operative training - without having to be reminded – but then Billy had disappeared and they'd been running on fumes trying to find him before the two-day time limit Lee had been given ran out.

She'd bulldozed her way into making him let her help. No, maybe bulldozed wasn't the right word. It was more like pulling the carpet out from under him. When he'd started up with "This could be dangerous and I'm supposed to be unofficial", she hadn't waited for him to finish trotting out all the other reasons; she'd simply said "Well, who could be more unofficial than me?" before pushing her way into the elevator and waiting for him to join her.

By the time they got to the car though, he'd regrouped a bit and tried again. "Amanda." She'd seen his lips twitch when she rolled her eyes and waited for the inevitable. "Amanda, if we don't find Billy and if Smyth or Francine find out you've been helping me, it's going to be the end of your Agency career before it even starts. You'll be in more trouble than you can imagine and I'll be too neck deep in trouble myself to help you."

"Lee, stop!" She turned in the seat to face him full on. "Look, Billy's my friend too – you don't have a monopoly on him. You only have two days and you know perfectly well you need my help." She stopped and looked at him challengingly before adding the clincher. "Besides, if we don't find Billy, Francine isn't going to let me stay around anyway, is she? Look at the way she was acting this morning - she may be better at tolerating me, but she still doesn't think I'm going to stick around, does she?"

"No," he'd admitted. "But she couldn't be more wrong!" he'd added quickly, earning himself a bright smile. He reached over to squeeze her hand. "Alright, Partner, ready to go?"

Working together those few days had never seemed so fluid. Once he'd agreed to let her help, Lee hadn't held anything back, from handing her his computer key card for research to letting her take the lead on distracting the guard. She remembered what it had been about her journalism degree that had appealed to her, digging around in the computer with pure dogged research until she had found the evidence of the missing floor in that office tower and actually putting her research into effect to save Billy. It had been worth putting up with Francine's stress-induced snarkiness to get to be on the receiving end of Billy's compliments - and an automatic pass on her test - when it was all done.

The only fly in the ointment had come when Billy had called Lee shortly after their return to the office. Lee had gone pale and hung up, looking across the room at Amanda with an unreadable expression.

"What?" she'd asked, really concerned at the look on his face.

"Have you seen Francine since we got back?" he asked.

"Not yet… why?"

"Apparently as well as screwing up half the admin paperwork, she found time to get a locksmith to open the filing cabinets in Billy's office." He paused and she quirked a brow at him.

"Well, it's probably standard procedure when someone goes rogue – what's the problem?"

Lee had a hunted look now. "It's where he keeps all his staff files. The ones Personnel doesn't know about. The stuff he has to keep documented but for his eyes only."

"Ohhhh," she'd breathed out as she took in what he was saying. "Did she read them?"

"He didn't say – but he wants to see me right away." He looked at her with an anxious expression. "What if she did?"

"What if she didn't?" asked Amanda reasonably. "You'll know the minute you see her – she's not going to hold back if she thinks she's got something over you."

"She won't _think_ she has something over me – she _will_ have something over me!"

Amanda held out her hand. "Well, c'mon Cowboy. Let's go find out."

"Amanda, you don't have to-"

"Lee Stetson, if you are about to say I don't have to come with you, Francine is going to be the least of your problems! I'm not letting you go down there alone! Now – ready to go?"

Walking into the bullpen, he'd stopped dead in the open door when they spotted Francine. She could feel his body tensing up beside hers, wondering what he was going to be met with and for the first time, really took in what it had cost him over the years to keep himself hidden from people he considered friends. She felt his hand come up to the small of her back and knew he was finding some form of comfort in her presence. It occurred to her for the first time to really wonder how often he _had_ walked into situations like this alone since Andy's death and was suddenly very glad she'd come with him.

"Well, Francine!" he'd said in a tone of false brightness, stepping through the doors at last. Francine had looked up at them and Amanda could feel him relaxing the split second she'd greeted them listlessly and looked back at her pile of paperwork. She wondered if he'd realized his hand had slid further around her waist and he'd drawn her in closer as Francine had started to list off all the problems she'd caused during her brief tenure. He'd given her slight squeezes as she'd made sympathetic noises and she knew he was trying not to laugh.

"Desmond!" Billy's voice had bellowed across the bullpen and all three of them had looked at him with startled expressions. He'd studied them for a moment before continuing to bellow. "My office! On the double!"

As Francine had walked away from them, she'd seen Lee in her peripheral vision, giving Billy the slightest head nod. There'd been no acknowledgement from him until Francine was safely in his office and then he'd given them a huge grin and a wink before closing the door.

Lee's hand had slipped off her waist but without a pause, he had slipped it down to tuck her hand on his arm as they turned and walked out of the bullpen.

"You know, Dr. Smyth was apparently pretty impressed with the rookie agent."

"He was?" She was surprised either Lee or Billy had even mentioned her involvement.

"Mmm-hmm. He even said you should get some kind of recognition for your efforts. Unofficial, of course."

"Of course."

"How about a quiet lunch for two at Emilio's?"

"Oh I don't know, Lee. I don't think I'd be comfortable with something that… intimate." She grinned up at his confused expression. "I haven't even met the man."

* * *

It had been a learning experience for both of them trying to hunt down Nick Cross. There'd been something about this one that really got under Lee's skin and Captain Ronson must have been able to sense it behind the professional exterior because he'd put himself fully in their hands – a remarkable thing in a man used to commanding situations, not sitting idly by.

For Amanda's part, her sympathy had all been with Agnes, a woman so desperate for even a tiny slice of happiness in her life that she'd refused to believe the evidence until it had been overwhelming. She couldn't help but recall her own feelings when everyone else had thought Lee was a burnt out agent – she had fought tooth and nail to prove that _everyone else_ was wrong and she hadn't even been in love with him. _Not then_ she added with an inward sigh, but she had been distraught at the idea that someone she trusted with her life had become someone who was betraying everything she knew he stood for.

When she'd gone to comfort a sobbing Agnes in the car after Cross' capture, it had been like looking into a mirror of her own past. Lee would never know how she'd left Nedlinger's that day and gone to sit in her car, crying for almost an hour while she waited for the red mark to fade so that Billy wouldn't see it. She'd seen the frustration building in him when she'd tried to get him away from Jack Harris, and although she'd never seen the physical blow coming, the emotional blow had been so much longer lasting. At least, unlike Agnes, she'd been able to see the dawning horror on his face in that instant; she had still been able to see the Lee she thought she knew somewhere behind that mask, but Agnes had no such balm for her soul. Nick Cross had been like a man possessed at the end – crazed with greed and some kind of maniacal schadenfreude at the idea of how many lives he could ruin – and Agnes had been cannon fodder to his cruel plan.

It had been an odd end of a case, leaning against the hood of the Corvette at the city dump, staring at the vast piles of trash that contained the Hoover files, already being buried by backhoes in vast trenches.

"I'm sorry we couldn't find them in time," she'd said finally.

"I'm not," had come the surprising answer.

"Really? After everything we've done the last few days to try and track them down? Doesn't it feel like we didn't finish the job?"

Lee had still been staring across the compound watching the heavy machinery with a kind of fascination. "Ronson's daughter is safe. All the people whose secrets Cross would have exposed are safe. I think we did alright."

"But we never found the files. Wasn't that the point of all this?"

Lee nodded his head towards the heaps of garbage. "It's better that they ended up here. Information like that is ammunition in the wrong hands, Amanda. Hoover knew that – haven't you ever heard any of the rumours about him? That he was a cross-dresser, or that the Deputy Director was his lover for 30 years?"

"I've heard some, but nothing's been proven, has it?"

"No, but for years, not even his worst enemies were willing to pursue those rumours because they knew _that_ was out there, waiting like a powder keg. Hoover may have had his own secrets but he made damn sure he knew worse about everyone else." He turned to look at her. "Can you imagine what could happen if someone like Dr. Smyth knew where that kind of information was? Just one leak about a teenage stunt twenty years ago almost ruined the lives of a dozen highly regarded men this week. Now just think what else might be in there." He nodded decisively. "No, it's better that it all gets buried – literally this time."

Hearing the tone in his voice, Amanda realized why this case had seemed so personal. No wonder he'd been so sympathetic with how Ronson was feeling. In a world full of secrets, it was sometimes all too easy to forget the costs to _normal people_ of what they did. Suddenly the guilt she was still feeling over missing Jamie's play the other week began to lighten – she might never be able to explain it to him, but at least she knew that what she'd be doing had been _important,_ that she had been protecting other people's children as well as her own.

She'd let the silence go on for a few minutes before going on. "I guess it should be enough that we stopped Cross, but we didn't stop him from ruining Agnes' life" she'd said sadly.

"No," Lee had agreed, echoing the sigh in her voice.

"You know what she told me? It all started because she used to drop by Kelsey's just to be around people because she was so lonely."

"Better to be lonely in a crowd than alone?" Lee's voice was rough with emotion. 'I remember those days." That gave her pause, wondering if those days were behind him.

"She was so desperate for human contact – and look where it got her," she went on. "She thought he really loved her. That's the worst part – she's been so betrayed, thinking she'd found someone who really cared for her and then finding out he was just using her." She sighed deeply, saddened by what someone's greed could do to someone else's life. "Thank you for being kind to her. I think it helped her fight him in the car and at least she'll have that to remember instead of just being his victim."

"Well, we've all been there," Lee muttered.

"Alan Squires", Amanda nodded.

"I'll see your burglar and raise you a Soviet spy," said Lee, sardonically.

"Well, when you put it that way," drawled Amanda, smiling when she saw the corners of his mouth start to go up. "I keep thinking of that poem about love and patience– you know the one?" He shook his head and she scrunched up her face trying to recall it. "You'd think I remember better since it was part of my wedding vows. It's the one that starts 'love is patient, love is kind' and then there's some other stuff but near the end it says 'it keeps no record of wrongs'. I always thought that was the most important line, you know? That love isn't about keeping score or holding onto old hurts."

"You sound like you think she should forgive him," Lee replied, confusion evident in his voice.

"Oh no, I mean I hope she forgives _herself_. If she doesn't do that, she'll never let herself be open to real love when it comes along."

"You sound pretty sure it'll come along." He'd turned to look at her with a quizzical look.

"Oh I think love's a lot like spy work – no place for a pessimist." She was smiling at him now. She turned and watched as the last of the dumpster's contents vanished into a trench and the bulldozers began to bury it. "We're going to lie to Billy again, aren't we?" she'd sighed.

"Yep."

* * *

When Francine had first beckoned over to her desk with an evil-looking grin, she'd braced herself for some kind of putdown, but to her surprise, Francine had simply handed her a file folder.

"Look what I just found at the bottom of my desk drawer. I'd completely forgotten about it. Talk about the Hoover files!"

Amanda flipped open the folder and gasped with laughter. "What on earth?"

"It's from the Christmas party three years ago. Lee lost a bet with Andy…" she paused and glanced up as if to confirm Amanda knew who that was, and then continued, "and he had to walk down M Street from his apartment to the office like that."

"I thought Lee never went to the office Christmas party?" She couldn't stop giggling, staring at the photo of a Lee she'd rarely seen.

"Well he stopped after that one!" Francine chortled. Her expression had softened, looking at how ridiculous Lee looked with the fruit basket hat balanced on his head. "That was one of the last times I remember him like his old self since-." She stopped abruptly and looked up at Amanda. "That was a bad year," she finished, sadly. She looked up at Amanda with a rueful expression. "You know, I will never understand how you do it, but your unerring ability to end up in trouble has done wonders to distract him the last few years. He's … better."

Amanda stared down at the photo, the germ of an idea forming in her mind and a smile playing on her lips. "Francine, can I borrow this?"

Francine looked at her speculatively for a moment, then obviously came to a decision and reached into the desk drawer. "You can keep it if you want." She pulled a small envelope out of the depths and waved it at Amanda. "And if you promise to bring me brownies next week and not let anyone else in here know it, you can have the negative too."

"Deal." The two women smiled at each other in a rare moment of complicit understanding. She'd picked up the folder and tucked it against her body. As she turned away, Francine called her back. "Amanda, you do know this doesn't mean I'm not still going to get even with you for that 'personal experience' crack, right?" Her voice was stern and her eyes had gone back to their usual bland expression but Amanda knew better by now.

"Oh, I know. I'll look forward to it." Francine had rolled her eyes with annoyance and turned away, but not before Amanda had seen the beginnings of a smile flit across her lips.

She had headed upstairs with a vague idea of teasing away some of the melancholy that had been lingering in Lee since the last case had wrapped. There had been something about the intersection of a threat to national security and to the day-to-day lives of 'regular people' that had continued to get under his skin even after watching the files get buried. When she'd opened the door and found Captain Ronson already there, her heart had sunk a bit, worried that he'd come to tell them his personal life had been exposed despite their efforts, but then both men had greeted her with broad smiles and she'd released her breath with a silent _whoosh_.

"Well, how do you like that?" Lee had said after Ronson had left, thanking them again. She could sense that something about seeing that they had kept him and his daughter safe from harm had lifted some of the sombre mood he'd been in all week.

She'd made agreeing noises and waited for his attention to return to her, finally noticing the folder she was carrying, but somehow missing the smile on her face.

"What have you got there? New case?"

"Uh no, _this_ is a little something from the Francine Desmond files," she'd grinned, only to see the look of panic cross his face.

"Let me see it." He was so serious, she was taken aback, until she realized what he thought it was – that Francine had found something during those days in Billy's office and that this was the ax falling.

She purposely broadened her smile and waited until he lifted his eyes from the folder in her hands to look at her. When he finally took in her expression, he'd visibly relaxed – though not for long. When she'd flipped the photo around, he'd gone to grab it with a growl and she'd had to dance slightly back out of his reach. "Oh no, you can look, but you can't touch!"

"Amanda!" He'd begun to stammer out explanations before finally going on the attack, trying to appeal to her sense of decency. "That's not a very nice thing to show people – they might misunderstand."

"Misunderstand this? I don't think so!" She'd begun to giggle and he had finally, _finally_ begun to understand that she was up to something.

"What do you want for it?" He still wasn't certain what the game was but it was clear he was going to trust her enough to at least try and find out.

"This? Oh this you can have." She'd handed it to him – or rather she'd let him snatch it out of her hand – before adding "It's the negative that's going to cost you." She knew she couldn't look at him without uncontrollable laughter so she crossed her arms and stared at the desk. There had been a beat and then she'd watched the folder get carefully laid aside, and he'd leaned across towards her.

She'd been so mesmerized by the way his hands with those long tapered fingers were resting on the blotter that she almost missed it when he'd growled, "How much?"

Her eyes had flown up to meet his at last and she'd seen the tell-tale sign of the dimple starting to peek out even as he tried to maintain a straight face. She knew now that, unlike her with his sneak attack with the opera tickets, he could sense something was coming and was just waiting for the reveal.

"Well, we'll probably start with dinner at Spencer's and take it from there." His eyes were dancing now and she'd felt herself leaning nearer, watching as the dimples deepened with every inch she got closer.

Suddenly his hand had whipped out and grabbed the envelope with the negative that had been sticking out of her jeans front pocket. "Orrrr," he'd drawled out and she'd met his eyes, wondering if he was seriously about to try and wriggle out of it. "You could _make_ me dinner and I won't tell Francine about that time the Italian ambassador stood on the hem of your dress and you face-planted in the middle of the dance floor."

"Ohhhh," she'd breathed out indignantly. "I cannot _believe_ you just did that!"

"I can't believe you just tried to blackmail me! I thought we'd established that blackmailing people isn't very nice, Amanda," he finished virtuously.

"Neither is stealing, but you just mugged me!"

"All's fair in love and war, Mrs. King. You should know that by now." He leaned closer again, hazel eyes almost blue now the way they always were when he was in a good mood. "Wanna fight me for it?" he'd taunted.

He was grinning triumphantly now but he was still leaning on the desk and she knew he was underestimating her as usual. She leaned in too, stared deeply into his eyes and slowly wet her lips. The moment his gaze dropped to watch her tongue, she had reached out and snatched the envelope back out of his hand, then whirled towards the door.

To his credit, Lee has shouted with laughter, "One of these days, Alice!" he mockingly waved a fist at her. "One of these days – right in the kisser!"

She stopped in the doorway to look back with a wink. "Promises, promises!" she'd laughed, over her shoulder, delighted to see that same shocked, hopeful expression cross his face that she'd seen weeks before.


	3. Nautical Twilight

**Chapter Three - Nautical Twilight**

You brought food?" Amanda was amazed. Lee _never_ remembered to bring food and they hadn't even known they were going to be spending the night.

"Well, once I knew we were going to be bringing the _Mata Hari_ down here, I knew the odds were good that I was going to be here for a while."

"But there's so much!"

"Well, I thought it might be easier to persuade you to stay if I had something good to tempt you with."

Amanda's heart rate increased just a bit at the smile that had accompanied that quip. She could feel the blush rising in her face, even though after three years she knew he couldn't have meant it _that_ way. He _never_ meant it that way, not with her – she knew he did it just to bug her, that she could ever think there could be a _thing_ between them. She ducked her head, hiding her embarrassment at how much she wished he _had_ meant it that way by starting to dig through the supplies. "You're trying to tempt me with beef jerky?"

Her voice was muffled as she peered into the paper bag and Lee used the opportunity to mask his disappointment that she was ignoring his attempt to flirt. _Just as well_ he thought _it would be a long night if she'd understood and wasn't receptive to the idea._

"Oh, I didn't mean to bring that one in," he said, with embarrassment. "That's for my pocket stash."

"Since when do you have a pocket stash?" Her voice had been warm with humor and her eyes were sparkling when she looked up at him.

"Um, well, since that night we were stuck out at Sacker's compound, actually. I, uh, I started keeping snacks in my pockets in case anything like that happens again.

"Really?" Her smile was getting brighter.

"Yeah, I guess your scouting skills rubbed off a little." He gave an awkward shudder. "I never want to be that hungry again."

Amanda began to giggle and straightened up, reaching into her jeans pocket and slowly pulling out a small bag of jelly beans that she put down on the tiny galley counter, then looked up at him.

"You too?" he asked.

She didn't answer, she simply reached over to pick up her jacket and began to empty those pockets too. The jelly beans were joined by two wrapped cookies, a packet of Lifesavers, and another plastic bag filled with red, white and blue candy. "Yeah, me too. That's just my pockets - you should see my purse."

As he started to laugh, Lee's eye was caught by the candy that had come out last and picked them up to inspect them more closely. "Amanda? Where did you get these? Why do they have the Presidential seal printed on them? "

"Ahhhh," she mumbled with embarrassment. "Well, _those_ would be M &Ms from the White House. I grabbed a handful from a candy bowl when we were there the other week. They make good pocket snacks – you know, 'melts in your mouth not in your hands'?"

"Amanda!"

"What?" she replied defensively. "There were bowls of them everywhere! If they didn't want us to help ourselves, they shouldn't just leave them laying around!"

"Amanda! We were supposed to be there saving the President, not stocking our candy jars!" He was trying to sound stern but he was having a very hard time keeping a straight face.

"Oh Lee! It was _after_ that! I didn't stop for a snack on the way to the Lincoln Bedroom!" She'd sounded so outraged that he'd even think that, that he couldn't hold back the laughter any longer.

"Well, we should probably get rid of the evidence tonight anyway," he'd finally managed to splutter out. Meeting her inquiring look, he'd gone on. "I didn't remember to bring dessert."

* * *

The intimacy of the small cabin and the fine wine – which of course he _had_ remembered to bring - made her a bit reckless. "Lee?"

"Mmm?" he was leaning back on the cushioned bench absently admiring the way the candlelight was playing on her hair as she stared at the table playing with the scattered M&Ms. He was caught unawares by what came next.

"Did you really tell Harry you'd follow me through a blizzard at midnight?" Her eyes had flicked up to meet his for a moment before she'd looked back down at the table, her blush obvious even in the dim light.

The wine, the candlelight and the late hour made him reckless too. "Actually I said 'blind through a blizzard at midnight," he answered truthfully. He wondered if Harry had also told her that he'd said she was beautiful.

"What does it even mean?"

"It's something Andy used to say." Her hands stilled on the table and he knew she was holding her breath at this unexpected mention of his partner. He leaned forward and began to play with the M&Ms as well, letting his fingers brush lightly against hers. "This is a business without a lot of trust in it. You learn to expect everyone to double-cross you at some point. A contact you've trusted for years can suddenly turn on you for an easy buck. It's a business that is made up almost entirely of secrets – national secrets, secret informants, lies of omission, lies about who you know or what you know… secrets about who you really are." He paused and watched as her hand slid over his in a gesture of comfort. "But even so, there are people you trust with those secrets, people like Emily or Harry, people you know you can trust with your life, people who count on you and vice versa." He stopped and raised his eyes to meet her clear-eyed look. _People you love_. "People you would follow blind through a blizzard at midnight. People like you."

"Oh," she breathed out, surprised that he'd answered her so honestly. She ducked her head down and blinked back the tears she could feel threatening. "Well, thank you."

Lee knew he'd overwhelmed her with his response. Picking up her hand in his, he'd given it a squeeze and added, "And also - your scouting skills are so much superior to mine in that kind of situation."

Amanda gave a gasp of laughter and the tension lifted a bit. "And my sailing skills as well?"

Lee chuckled, glad to be back on the safer ground of teasing. "And your sailing skills as well. But you have to admit, my skill in the galley is almost an equal match."

"That they are. Dinner was marvellous, you outdid yourself with that bit of planning."

"Well, like I said, I figured there'd be the off-chance that we might get stuck, and – well, I wanted to make it as pleasant as it could possibly be."

"And you did. Thank you." Amanda pulled her hand from his and picked up one of the candies, popping it into her mouth. There was a moment of silence as they smiled at each other across the table, jarringly broken by the sudden ringing of the telephone.

 _12:45_. They'd talked through two check-ins – no wonder Billy was calling to check up on them. Lee had to smile at the difference a few years had made. Amanda had simply wrapped herself in a blanket and sacked out as if she didn't have a care in the world – so unlike those early days when she had watched him warily as if he might jump her with some kind of James Bond innuendo. He shook his head and laughed inwardly as he turned to put out the light behind him – if only she knew that she was in far more danger now - now that he had grown to appreciate her wide-eyed steady gaze, her laughter, her friendship, the way she fit in the circle of his arm – and then she'd blown out the candle on the table and plunged the cabin into darkness.

Lee slumped back onto the bench and stared at the glowing tip of the candle wick.

 _I can do this. It's not completely dark. I'm not alone. I'm not underground, I'm on a boat. There are no rats. Rats. Ships. Rats on a sinking ship._

Without stopping to think, he lunged forward and lit the candle again. It only took a few seconds for Amanda to reappear over the edge of the table, with an expression of disbelief.

"Shouldn't it be dark in here?" Amanda watched with hidden amusement as Lee stammered his way through an explanation of why he wanted to leave the candle lit. She'd been exposed to enough of his far-fetched field work stories over the years that she didn't believe a word of it - although she had to admit he was really committing to it. The way he was fussing with the blanket and not looking her in the eye told her it was all a joke and that he was putting her on with some sort of spy version of a campfire ghost story. Far more likely he just wanted to make sure he didn't fall asleep on watch, she thought, or needed the light to make his notes.

Giggling quietly to herself – she could really feel the wine affecting her now - she waited until he'd leaned back and closed his eyes before sitting up silently and pinching the candle out again.

"Amanda!" He'd sounded more exasperated than she'd thought he would and she lifted her head to look at him seriously.

"I'm not going to sleep a wink with the light on it," she said reasonably. He stared back at her, unblinkingly and reached for the lighter. "I'm just going to blow it out again as soon as you're asleep," she added as she settled back on the bench, pulling the blanket over her face to block the light.

"You can do whatever you like once it's your watch," she heard him mutter belligerently.

"Fine."

"Fine."

* * *

She couldn't have been asleep more than an hour when she'd woken to a strange sound. It was raising the hairs on the back of her neck and she stayed motionless for a moment, trying to assess whatever danger it was before realizing that something was missing.

 _Lee. Where's Lee?_ She sat up and stared around wildly in the dim light of the candle that was close to guttering out. Lee was sitting opposite her, still wrapped in a blanket, but his head had lolled to one side, he was bathed in sweat and he was muttering in a panicked tone she'd never heard from him before.

"Lee! What's the matter?" She got no response and reached across the table to try and wake him. "Lee! Wake up! Are you alright?" He still wasn't responding and she scooted around the table to shake him more firmly, calling his name.

"Amanda?" He finally seemed to be aware of where he was but he was still wild-eyed with a greenish tinge under his tan.

"Oh my gosh, Lee – what's wrong? Are you seasick?" She grabbed a napkin off the table and dabbed his forehead, then reached for a glass to pour him some water.

"I'm fine! I'm fine! Stop mothering me!" It was a relief to hear him snap at her as he batted her hand away – she'd been worried something was seriously wrong with him.

"Lee, you're not fine! What's wrong?"

She could see him struggling for a moment with the desire not to tell her, but when he glanced up at her face and saw her expression, he sighed and muttered, "Rats."

"Rats?"

"I was dreaming about the rats, ok?" He was getting angry and defensive now and she pulled back to really look at him.

"Seriously?" He flinched under her hand and she put a hand on his cheek to turn his face until he was facing her and she caught her breath at the look in his eyes. "They were real? You weren't just trying to spook me before?" She knew the answer without hearing it and pulled him into her arms without thinking. "Oh Lee, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have teased you."

He tensed for a second, almost lashing out in his usual shut down mode but something in the way she was combing her fingers through his damp hair stopped him - he relaxed and leaned his forehead on her shoulder.

"It's not usually so bad when I'm not alone," he sighed.

"Well, you're not alone. I won't leave you alone." She reached up to the shelf behind them and picked up a new candle and replaced the one that had finally just gone out on the table. Picking up the lighter off the table, she tried to get it to light but realized it must be out of fuel.

Lee gave a near hysterical groan. "Oh that's just great!"

"Hang on, I've got matches in my purse."

He waited for her to dig around in her purse to find them and light the candle again before giving a low laugh. "A whole box of matches, Amanda? I thought you only needed one?"

It was a relief to hear him starting to calm down and she chuckled along with him. "I never said I only _had_ one match – I said a good scout only _needs_ one match!"

"How perfectly logical you are, Amanda."

His voice was calmer but she still didn't like how fast his heart had been beating under her hand. She shifted slightly to reach across for her own blanket, noticing that he didn't take the opportunity to pull back.

"Okay, well you need sleep, so I'm going to stay here and I want you to try and relax."

"Amanda!" he started to protest – very half-heartedly.

"Lee, you said it yourself – you need sleep because you tend to stay alive longer that way. Now shush. Us mothers learn to sleep with one ear open – it'll be fine." For the briefest second she thought he was going to refuse but he just sighed and leaned back against the cushions.

"Fine," he grumbled, "but if you start humming lullabies, I'm going to go sleep on the deck!"

His eyes were closed but he heard her soft giggle at that image and knew she was smiling.

"What did your uncle used to do to get you to sleep?"

"He'd put on a '45 of The Ballad of the Green Berets and scowl at me from the doorway."

The giggles increased. "Lee! That song wasn't even around when you were a kid!"

"Who said I meant when I was a kid? That was just the last time he visited." He loved the sound of the gurgling laugh he'd provoked.

"Go to sleep, Lee. I won't leave you alone."

* * *

 _The sun was shining on the water of the Chesapeake and the glare of it in his eyes kept him from seeing the person at his elbow properly, but he knew who it was. Amanda was at the stern, hands resting lazily on the wheel, face raised to try and catch the slight warmth of the autumn sun. He could almost guarantee the next time he looked, there'd be new freckles across her cheeks from it._

" _I like her," said the voice beside him._

" _Yeah, me too," he answered without taking his gaze from her._

" _What's that flag mean?" A finger in his peripheral vision pointed to the flapping pennant fixed to a rope above her head._

" _Safe harbor," answered Lee. "If Bart sees it, he'll know we're looking for him."_

" _That's what she is too."_

 _Lee hadn't turned his head but he knew the dream beside him sensed his confusion._

" _That's what Amanda is," explained the voice. "She's your safe harbor."_

" _I thought that was your job," he'd turned finally, slightly accusingly to meet Andy's laughing eyes._

" _It's still my job, Honey – why do you think she was on that platform that morning?"_

" _Oh right – my past lover sent me a guardian angel in the form of a housewife? I don't believe that kind of stuff."_

 _The warmth in Andy's eyes increased. "Really, Cowboy? Because you're the one talking to me in a dream."_

" _How perfectly logical you are"_

" _We're two of a kind, me and her." A warm hand had reached out and caressed his cheek. "She won't leave you alone."_

" _She won't? Everyone else does." He turned to look at Amanda who was looking back at him now, perfectly contented look on her face._

" _She won't – I promise. She's your safe harbor. Just follow her lead."_

 _He felt it the moment the presence beside him vanished – the familiar pang of sorrow was still there but it was assuaged by the warmth of Amanda's smile as she called out to him, "Almost home, Lee. Safe harbor straight ahead."_

 _Safe harbor. Just follow her lead._

Lee woke briefly in the half-light of the cabin, listening to the soft breathing in his ear from where his head leaned against Amanda's. The candle was still flickering on the table – she hadn't put it out this time – and she had one of his hands clasped between both of hers as if she thought he might pull away. He let himself come just enough awake to do a sensory sweep of the room before relaxing back with a sigh and closing his eyes to drift off again

 _Not alone. Safe harbor. Home_.


End file.
